Tried To BreakUp Again

I tried to break up yet again~
But she doesn't get the message~
I can't trust right now, too scarred~
But she calls and comes anyway~
I feel sorry for her because I led her on~
I knew I carried a lot of baggage~
But then I remind myself that I told her as much~
And she moved forward anyway~
But too forward talking already of marriage~
And of adopting her son, I love dearly no mind~
But I just can't trust right now, too scarred~
I've already failed three times before~
It bothers me that her heart I break~
I can't stand her tears, they are so familiar~
But the longer I let it go, the worse it will be~
so I try and try, but she just doesn't get it~

I torture myself and hurt someone else at the same time. I hate being alone. But it just can't work. Not now, not today and not with her. I'm so scared. I've never been afraid to commit and I've married 3 times as a result. But I'm scared of myself. Three times I committed and failed. The first I was too young. The second was a rebound. The third though I gave my all and never got it back. My third killed me, I still walk but I am no longer alive. So I cannot give of myself anymore.

We go through the motions. She tries so hard to please me. And for a moment I enjoy, but it's so empty. I just can't connect or give of myself and so it's just the motions.

I care very much for her and for her child. That's where I'm wrong. I hurt her and that matters to me. I let her get involved when I knew I couldn't and I blame myself. But I know that I will only hurt her more if I let this go on. It must stop. I must find the strength, because I do care and because it does matter to me. I must hurt her now so I won't hurt her worse later.

But even now, I struggle. I told her last night that I couldn't trust anyone and things couldn't work out. And yet today after work I called her as I do every day and we talked as if nothing was wrong. She misses me and loves me but I can't say I feel the same. I just don't want to be alone. What a monster I have become.