The Remembered Text

I stumbled a cross a comment today that sliced right through my heart. The blog's author wrote about his joy in receiving a text message from someone who cared about him and how much it made his day. The comment came from my 3rd (the love lost). She mentioned how nice it was to receive messages from someone that she knows and cares about.

When my 3rd and I were together, I used to send her a message every morning that said "Good Morning Beautiful" and did that for well over a year. To see that comment is only a reminder to me that she misses me not and that someone has filled my place already. At this point it really shouldn't matter to me anymore. It's long gone and I cannot change that. Am I just obsessing now? I don't see how even the thought can be healthy anymore. I don't understand why I cannot simply turn up the silence.

Today It's Done

~A week ago a break I took
~Today the break I sustained
~No joy in what I had to do
~But do I had to, done I must
~For so long I've been trying
~For so long, explaining I've tried
~Her pain, my pain, our pain, no pain
~But in the end, of the end, to the end
~...The End

Well it's finally done. It took me a week in building. I had to tell her that I needed a break from everything and I wanted to be left alone for a week so that I could focus on job and studies and everything else. During that week I told her about my pains and I led up to yesterday when I confessed to her that I felt I was too scarred to commit myself to a relationship right now and to today when I told her one last time that we could be no more.

Unlike last time, I told her that we could be no more and that it was absolute. I told her that I would still speak to her if she wants but I would not see her again. I told her that I care about her but that I simply cannot be what she wants me to be at this time. I told her there is no hope today or in the future as far as I can see.

I've tried to tell her this time and time before but I've always let her tears turn to a hug and a hug to an eventual kiss. Her pain has been my weakness. It kills me that I've hurt her in this way, but it simply cannot be. I've set down my foot this time, we will not meet face to face again, probably forever this time because I do not trust that I will not fall weak to her pain again if we do.

Believe it or not, as tough as this is and as much as it may hurt, I believe this is best for her. I cannot be what she wants me to be.

The Ellusive Breakup

Forceful I fear, I will need to be~
If I'm to end this thing~
It's already dead~
No feelings, no passion~
Just empty~
Why do I care so much~
Why does it bother me~
Why do her tears slice me like a knife~
Why did I ever let this go in the first place~
Why haven't I ended it already~

Well, my attempt at breaking up didn't work out. I think I am too concerned for her feelings and trying too hard not to hurt her. But isn't it already too late for that. I carry scars that have not yet healed and we simply can't work out., not at this time, not here and now.

She tried to tend to my every pleasure this morning. My mind was elsewhere and I felt like I was just laying there, along for the ride. Not good at all :(

I have to find it in myself to end this now, no matter her tears, no matter her pain. I don't like hurting people but I am hurting her more by not going ahead and hurting he rnow. And am I not hurting myself. I toil over this daily, morning and night. I just wish that I could turn up the silence.

Tried To BreakUp Again

I tried to break up yet again~
But she doesn't get the message~
I can't trust right now, too scarred~
But she calls and comes anyway~
I feel sorry for her because I led her on~
I knew I carried a lot of baggage~
But then I remind myself that I told her as much~
And she moved forward anyway~
But too forward talking already of marriage~
And of adopting her son, I love dearly no mind~
But I just can't trust right now, too scarred~
I've already failed three times before~
It bothers me that her heart I break~
I can't stand her tears, they are so familiar~
But the longer I let it go, the worse it will be~
so I try and try, but she just doesn't get it~

I torture myself and hurt someone else at the same time. I hate being alone. But it just can't work. Not now, not today and not with her. I'm so scared. I've never been afraid to commit and I've married 3 times as a result. But I'm scared of myself. Three times I committed and failed. The first I was too young. The second was a rebound. The third though I gave my all and never got it back. My third killed me, I still walk but I am no longer alive. So I cannot give of myself anymore.

We go through the motions. She tries so hard to please me. And for a moment I enjoy, but it's so empty. I just can't connect or give of myself and so it's just the motions.

I care very much for her and for her child. That's where I'm wrong. I hurt her and that matters to me. I let her get involved when I knew I couldn't and I blame myself. But I know that I will only hurt her more if I let this go on. It must stop. I must find the strength, because I do care and because it does matter to me. I must hurt her now so I won't hurt her worse later.

But even now, I struggle. I told her last night that I couldn't trust anyone and things couldn't work out. And yet today after work I called her as I do every day and we talked as if nothing was wrong. She misses me and loves me but I can't say I feel the same. I just don't want to be alone. What a monster I have become.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream last night that I wish were true~
It's so rare and so few that I remember them~
My 3rd and I spoke and we cleared the air~
I finally got some reasons why things are~
Not what I thought but still not good~
I was able to speak as well and say my piece~
We spoke for a bit like we always had~
It ended with us agreeing to talk again~

I can't remember that last time that I woke up and remembered a dream that I had. It is rare for me. And I almost never remember a dream that is a fantasy or has strange things in it. The few dreams that I can wake up and remember are very life like and real.

I woke this morning wishing this dream were true. I just dreamed that we spoke. That's all. And that was such a good thing because I was shut out so abruptly. I never really got to even say good bye and I never got reasons for what happened.

There were no signs in her place that someone had replaced me though I believe that has long since happened. There were greeting cards thanking her for moderating a forum and there was a teenage boy who was deaf in the house. I was invited to stay for supper and we talked as though nothing was wrong. Her boys weren't in the dream at all.

We didn't reconcile or even agree to give ourselves a chance. In fact we didn't even talk about it, not the breakup or anything about us. But I was so relieved and so happy just to see her and to be able to speak again.

I tend to believe that I have and remember these life like dreams for a reason but I don't want to give myself any false hopes. I still awoke and went straight into prayer and begged my God that this would be a sign or a telling of things to come.

Yesterday I made some commitments and took a leap of faith in hopes that things may improve. The timing couldn't be more unusual or be more set to make believe that perhaps it is a sign. But then again I made a rash decision last night and posted elsewhere that I know she reads and I fear that only made things worse and not better.

So I'll pray and hope but I'm not going to let myself get excited.

About This Blog

I wonder sometimes if I have lost my mind~
My thoughts and feelings cannot be normal~
When is it obsession and no longer okay~
At what point am I certified to be insane~
Time should heal and the voices should fade~
Yet each day I think I am closer to losing it~
Is this a story about a love one had now lost~
Or is this a story about sanity slipping away~
I argue with the voices becuase I cannot decide~
They grow louder each day yet no one speaks~
I just wish that I could turn up the silence~

This blog is born out of a sad story. The story are the voices in my head. It's my inner monologue to which I am in continuous conflict with. This blog was setup so I could voice my thoughts. There is no topic too sacred or considered to be off limits for this blog. Perhaps in outing my insanity I can turn up the silence and find rest.